Long Times Apart

I've been forced to think about spending extended periods of time away from my chosen partner in life so much more than I thought I would in an ordinary, committed relationship.

As a military spouse, it's not just deployments we deal with. Sometimes it's weeks of twelve hour shifts, or spouses switched to odd shifts, other times it's trainings at far away bases for 2, 3, or 6 weeks.

Recently, a marine was upset that, just after a 7 month deployment away from his baby, he was going to have to "deploy" for 3 weeks to another base. I said, "you mean TDY?" He said, "what's a TDY?" If the different branches have different ideas about what their job descriptions are, how are we supposed to understand how to support each other? Do the various branches really want to support each other? I hear lip service to support in public, good natured ribbing of each other, and then I hear muted grumblings about each other under their breath. Perhaps we don't understand each other like I thought.

How to Communicate When You Are a World Apart

The internet has brought the world so much closer.

I remember the old funny story about my Grandfather, stationed in Panama, who neglected to write to his mother. She called the commander of his installation and said she was worried about her little Davy. Davy was summoned into the Commander's office and ordered to write to his mother right then and there.

Today we don't have the excuse of letters getting lost in the mail, or no time to write a letter. Most of us get the chance to at least send a passing "I love you" via e-mail on a semi-regular basis. It is so important not to take that for granted. On your busiest day, if you have a moment to send of a sentence, you should snatch it and remind your family of those words. That is a priceless opportunity.

I have the great advantage of owning my own computer and incorporating high-speed internet into my meager monthly budget. My spouse also has this advantage. So, even when we're apart, we can use the webcam to speak to each other, face-to-face, several times a week. I would say we take this privilege for granted from time to time. The cost is little, so the sacrifice does not mean as much as my great-grandmother's call to Panama.

Option #3: Manipulate for Leave

When I met James in 2003 he had just returned from a deployment. He proposed in June and we began planning our wedding for the next June. I was just trying to be the pius and calendar sensitive bride in my planning. I didn't realize that this would be time for his next deployment.

In December of 2003 I began my annoying campaign. This can be a very sensitive route to choose. I spoke with the commander about how I needed my wedding and the reservations were set. My whining could have easily put James on the list to deploy right away, rather than kept him as an alternate, available to take leave for our wedding.

I was able to have my wedding, with my husband by my side, thankfully. Perhaps we should figure out the best way to manipulate leave to our advantage? Let's consider this question this week.

Option #2: Go Alone

You can avoid having to deal with leave issues by planning to attend things without your spouse. When I asked for and was granted days off from my civilian employers, those days weren't taken back. I always knew I could make plans for myself and they wouldn't fall through.

Going without your spouse poses its own dilemmas. Just today I met with an old high school friend and her family and it was just me. I felt the way I often do in these situations, like I had to somehow prove the existence of my happy marriage or my comfortable life. That was probably unnecessary. While struggling to catch up on our lives over the last 12 years and trying to corral toddlers and pre-schoolers, we didn't need to wast time justifying our family choices at all.

I am happy with my husband and hope that I can express that without him there. It's not easy to be alone. He may be having a tougher time missing celebrations than we have celebrating without him. I don't deign to speak for someone else.

Things to consider when going alone: will the expenditure for the solo trip affect your family's bottom line, can you cope with your kids for specified period without your partner, will your partner starve to death without you there. These are the important questions to answer, not "how do I show my happy marriage without my happy spouse."

A Three Step Plan for Coping

Three essentials I found for coping with stressors in on base life are: all weather exercise gear, a third party to listen and the ability to keep your mouth shut with neighbors.

First, I must stress the all weather exercise gear. In Louisiana, I needed to walk whether it was gloomy and raining or 110 degrees with 100% humidity. I recommend rain gear. A stroller with a rain cover is helpful. Being able to swallow my pride and expose stretch marks and cellulite was an advantage, too. I had to strip Elaina down to just her diaper and make sure her stroller was well shaded at least once.

Second, a third party for listening. I regret that I may have passed on my bad mood to some of my friends on base. That sort of thing just spreads and before you know it everyone in the neighborhood is either fighting with their husbands, too, or talking about how you're on your way to a divorce. On the flip side, there are also the people who I trusted and confided in who were less than trustworthy. My mother was my best sounding board. For others it may be a sister, a childhood friend, or someone they met off base and cultivated a friendship with. I value my friendships with other military wives, but we tend to face similar obstacles and sometimes they seem insurmountable as none of us find viable solutions.

This brings me to my third point. I am not good at keeping my mouth shut. I had to learn and I still have improvements to make. Your neighbors will talk about any little thing you say to them as if it's a monumental problem. I told one neighbor that I couldn't watch her daughter that evening because I had had an argument with my husband that needed to be straightened out. She held this against me and when she felt the time was right she told me that I was unreliable and that my marriage needed work. I thought I was putting my marriage first and acting as responsibly as I could. Evidentially it would have been more responsible to watch her daughter, so that she could go to a movie with her husband, and straighten out my misunderstanding later.

The PCS

Many books are out there to help families with the move, the permanent change of station, PCS. I read them. They don't always help with the reality of that day, time, period when your family is trying to deal with the move. We all struggle. Communicating with our spouse is difficult enough because we don't happen to share a brain, but to communicate with our spouse, the old command, the new command, movers, packers, children and friends and family can drive one to a nervous breakdown. Over the next few days I will post different tips for saving our sanity while acknowledging the great resources that the world has given us. Some you may decide to throw away today, others may become your roadmap to the military world.