Option #3: Manipulate for Leave

When I met James in 2003 he had just returned from a deployment. He proposed in June and we began planning our wedding for the next June. I was just trying to be the pius and calendar sensitive bride in my planning. I didn't realize that this would be time for his next deployment.

In December of 2003 I began my annoying campaign. This can be a very sensitive route to choose. I spoke with the commander about how I needed my wedding and the reservations were set. My whining could have easily put James on the list to deploy right away, rather than kept him as an alternate, available to take leave for our wedding.

I was able to have my wedding, with my husband by my side, thankfully. Perhaps we should figure out the best way to manipulate leave to our advantage? Let's consider this question this week.

Option #2: Go Alone

You can avoid having to deal with leave issues by planning to attend things without your spouse. When I asked for and was granted days off from my civilian employers, those days weren't taken back. I always knew I could make plans for myself and they wouldn't fall through.

Going without your spouse poses its own dilemmas. Just today I met with an old high school friend and her family and it was just me. I felt the way I often do in these situations, like I had to somehow prove the existence of my happy marriage or my comfortable life. That was probably unnecessary. While struggling to catch up on our lives over the last 12 years and trying to corral toddlers and pre-schoolers, we didn't need to wast time justifying our family choices at all.

I am happy with my husband and hope that I can express that without him there. It's not easy to be alone. He may be having a tougher time missing celebrations than we have celebrating without him. I don't deign to speak for someone else.

Things to consider when going alone: will the expenditure for the solo trip affect your family's bottom line, can you cope with your kids for specified period without your partner, will your partner starve to death without you there. These are the important questions to answer, not "how do I show my happy marriage without my happy spouse."

Option #1: Don't Go

In Spring of 2005 my two best friends from college married each other in Belize. I booked a hotel room and a flight to be there. It was going to double as a honeymoon for James and I, since we hadn't had one right after our own wedding.

Shortly after making all of the arrangements, James got a promotion and was ordered to attend a school for that promotion. Congratulations, Elyssa and James, you'll get more monthly pay but you can't go on a long awaited trip with friends.

We were reimbursed for a portion of the money we paid and we received a voucher from the airlines for some of the airfare spent. We were never completely covered and we missed a milestone.

So, if you don't go to family and friends gatherings you protect yourself. You can make the financial excuse, tell others you can't get leave or just say it's not possible. If you make this decision, you distance yourselves from your loved ones, but you also protect yourself from emotional, financial and leave-time losses.

This is just option #1.